Monday, June 27, 2005

 

I need a vacation

I'm starting to feel it, bad...I need summer.

This no break thing sucks. Becoming a teacher is sounding more and more appealing to me, for summers alone. High school would be really cool...lotta work, and probably way too stressful since you'd probably start at a rough school, but summers, man...I miss my larry fuckin' summers.

In the meantime, I've decided that playing Karaoke Revolution on X-Box will have to suffice for amusement. You sing and the game rates you on how well you hit the notes and keep up with the tune. Fantastic game. I went platinum tonight. Well, actually, the character 'Gibson' went platinum. But I was the voice behind the animated eye candy.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

 

For those that enjoyed Boom Goes the Dynamite...

...and how could you not, this clip has a certain charm: http://gorillamask.net/videoweatherman2.shtml

While the novety of Brian Collins has worn off, this guy wins points for his fantastic physical comedy...and the two female news anchors are parodies of themselves...their reactions (or lack thereof) are SNL-like.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

 

Two little Indian boys

So I live across the hall from this Indian woman and her two sons...that's Dots, not Feathers. (Incidentally, I think the phrase should be 'Stinky or Squanto' rather than 'Dots or Feathers.' What, no good?)

So, I'm coming home a few days ago and the younger of the two boys (about 4 years old) sees me in the hallway and, despite never having spoken to me before, yelps, 'We're looking for an ogre!' I politely inform him that while I think his quest worthy and noble, I have seen no such ogre. He asks me if he and his seven year-old brother can come in my apartment to take a little looksy. Like all the neighbors, they know about my history of 0gre-hiding. I had to knock on all the doors and tell everyone of my past when I moved in to the complex. It was embarrassing, of course, but up until now, no one had ever called me on it.

So, I let the two nice Stinkys into my apartment. Biggest mistake of my life. Thinking them to be cute and well-behaved, I let them walk into the apartment in front of me. They immediately tear my things apart. One opens the refrigerator door and starts taking out all my food and throwing it to the floor. The older one jumps up and down on my couch and starts laughing at his brother. The younger one then sees a pack of gum I had lying around, tears it open so that all the pieces go everywhere, picks up one piece, unwraps it, puts it in his mouth and spits it onto the carpet a second later.

The younger one races to my electric piano and sits down, banging the keys. Since the piano is not plugged in, the younger one wails, "What's WRONG! Why won't this WORK!" and continues to bang. I tell him it's broken to avoid the would-be cacaphony and start talking to his brother. I find out the older one is named Visham and the younger Val. Visham informs me that he lives with his mom and brother but his dad lives "somewhere else." Visham asks if he can have a gumball from our gumball machine. I ask, "didn't your mom ever teach to not to accept candy from strangers?" and am answered with a blank stare and an outstretched hand for me to place the gumball in.

I give him a gumball and refocus my attention to the little one. Val is walking on the piano keys. He has lifted himself onto the piano and is walking across the keys. I yell and run over to the piano, picking Val up and taking him to the door, telling him he's going to get in trouble. Visham quickly sheds his role of mature brother and goes into my freezer to steal my ice cream. He wants to take it back with him to his apartment. Trying to get the ice cream away from Visham and opening the door so that I can usher both kids out, I put Val down on the ground. Mistake. Val squeezes away from me and jumps back on the piano. I grab the ice cream away from Visham and go back to pick up Val from on top of the piano keys again.

Now I have Val in my left arm and I scoop up Visham and in my right. I slowly am able to open the door and carry both kids out. I knock on their door and politely inform their mother that "it's time for your kids to go home." The mother was in the apartment the whole time, aparently thankful for ten minutes away from her boys.

Val starts to cry about wanting a gumball, after seeing his brother eating his. So, I go back into my apartment and grab the machine, walking back into the hallway (there's no way I'm letting these kids back into my apartment). I open the gumball machine and Val immediately sticks his finger in to get the gum. The little door shuts on Val's finger, causing him to scream. I try to open the gumball door so that Val can take his finger out, but I accidentally lift the door latch up instead of pushing down. This tightens the seal on Val's finger, causing him to yelp, "You're hurting me!". I wait a second or two, applying even more pressure to his finger so that he can feel real pain, and then say I'm sorry and push the latch down.

I give Val his gumball, which he puts in his mouth and then spits on the ground. I waive goodbye to Val, Visham and his mother and double-lock my door.

I think I should have been more direct with their mom...telling her what insane and impolite kids she has. But, I have to assume she already knows all this.

And now I have two new best friends!

Thursday, June 02, 2005

 

How I spent my summer vacation...

...of four days...Bill Simmons style.

Day 1
00:00:00 of gambling: Walk into my casino of choice...the Wynn. Gotta gamble here.

00:00:10: Realize this casino is way too classy for me. Tables too expensive. Both Bing and I are looking for 15 dollar minimums, not 25. We leave. But what an awesome casino. Jazz clubs, really comfortable seats...and it makes every other casino on the strip look sooo tiny--even the Bellagio. The Wynn is flat out enormous. An absolute behemoth. Extremely impressive.

00:00:25: Start my first game...roulette at Treasure Island. I play my typical strategy...a very small range of numbers, all next to each other on the wheel...and that's it. I play three numbers only, based on numbers that have hit in the last twenty spins. The croupier must stay the same throughout my play. The logic is that some ranges of the wheel are slightly more likely to hit than others...given a consistent role. The theory may be bullshit...but I win 700 dollars in an hour, going up as high as 950. I must say, I've won quite a bit at roulette using this strategy...much more than I've lost. I understand it's mostly luck, but everytime I win, I feel like I know what I'm doing. I even get a small crowd cheering me as I place 15 dollars on three numbers only and hit twice in five spins. The dealer, Mario, a nice man from Croatia, says the same thing to me both times I win 525 dollars..."Christmas come early for you!"...I tip Mario 65 dollars after I fall to 700 profit and leave the table. I'm exhausted (it's 5 am my time, 2 am Vegas time) and go to bed.

Score: Up 700, one hour of gambling

Day 2 and 3
El Disastre. I knew it was coming. I lose 300 in poker the next day after going to a club...I'm extremely tired and play terribly, losing 200 on a hand where I go all in on a set of queens after the flop and lose to a flush (which the guy also flopped...three clubs on the board). I then lose 100 in blackjack that night and 300 more in blackjack the next night. I win 225 in poker before I leave on Day Three, staying up 225 for the trip (I also lost 100 in roulette--won 80 and lost 180 in my two tries) ...and I'm only up about 75 after factoring in dinners, buying drinks, other activities, etc.).

Day 4, 6:30 AM (sorry for foregoing the timestamp thing...not valuable anymore):
Early in the morning before catching my flight...Bing drops me off at the casinos to gamble a bit before getting my flight. I walk around a bit, lose 100 in blackjack and drop 300 in poker after getting somewhat unlucky and not playing my best. I'm now down 175 for the trip...I've managed to lose nearly 1000 dollars in 2+ days. Unreal. I stumble about from casino to casino, thinking about how I've done this. I remember the good times when I was up 700--the memories run in my mind in slow motion...like Adam Sandler's dreams in Happy Gilmore. I jump up and down with my grandmother, tossing gold coins. Actually, I was remembering jumping up and down with the actress who plays Sandler's grandmother in the movie. It was glorious. Good times.

Day 4, 9:00 AM:
Flight leaves at 10:00 AM. I've got one hour to make something happen. I have one more 100 dollar bill in my wallet. I know I need 80 dollars to pay for parking once I arrive in Philly. No matter...I find a roulette wheel that jumps out at me immediately at the New York New York casino. The numbers are much bigger than normal, as are the slots on the wheel for the ball to fall in (in simpler terms, the wheel, itself, is larger than normal roulette wheels). I think, "with spaces so big, the ball has so much room to land in the numbers I choose...how can I lose?!"

I watch the croupier for a bit and notice he's hitting in the 8/10/26 zone...he's hit in this region four of seven spins. I say to myself, if he hits one of those three numbers again, I'm in for my last 100. He hits 29. I curse myself for not having bet that hand (I was really close, but there were many people at the table and I couldn't get in) and go in.

On the next six spins, I hit a number four times. Unbelievable. I'm up 895 dollars in 20 minutes. I'm back up for the trip. This is insane. 20 minutes ago, I was thinking "this is why people say gambling is bad." Now I'm thinking, "when do I fly back to Vegas?"...

I'm making a ton of noise, especially on my fourth hit. I can;t believe it...I'm the only one winning at the table. I'm tipping Charlie like crazy, yelling "You're a good man, Charlie Brown!" over and over again...which is particuarly funny because Charlie is black and I don't know his last name. I realize this and stop saying it.

The pit boss walks over and sees that I have my luggage with me, as I'm about to go to the airport. He tells me I must check in my bags or leave the casino. I notice that the woman next to me also has her bag with her. I say, "Well, these people have their bags with them..." and am bestowed with the repeated response, "Sir, you need to check in your bags or leave the casino." I tell the pit boss I will leave after the next hand. The pit boss, out loud, announces to all, "This will be the gentleman's last hand." I lose, betting 25 dollars on 8, 10 and 26 each. I walk away from the table having won 720 dollars in a half hour.

FINAL SCORE:
First and last hours gambling: Up 1420 dollars
Everything in between: Down a tad less than 1000 dollars.

Verdict: Gambling is the finest sport on earth. All hail Gamblor.

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