March to the Sea

Why is it so hard to vote?

2006-11-07T11:46:00.000-08:00

You have to admit, our voting system is highly inconvenient. In many other countries, voting day is a national holiday. Everything is closed to produce high turnout. Why doesn't the U.S. have a national holiday for voting day? Is it because our government values economic concerns over enfranchisement? Perhaps. Is it also possible that our voting system deters people who we "don't want" voting? Maybe...certainly, it weeds out the apathetic. If you can't vote by text message or the internet--if you actually have to register and go to the place where you are registered--it definitely rewards those who are driven enough to vote.

However, people who work long or odd shifts can feasibly be shut-out on voting day. Voting via absentee ballot is time consuming and requires significant forethought. I do not count this alternative as a viable choice for your average American. It is far too difficult.

Interestingly, the poorest of society can easily vote--many are unemployed or work part-time. These people have ample time to wait in line and vote. It is the cut above the poverty line--those that support themselves by working multiple jobs or that have assembly-line jobs that are inflexible--who are likely the most disenfranchised by our archaic system.

Think about it...does anything else in today's society require "showing up"? Almost everything has an online or telephone option...you can order food, groceries and other commodities online. You can email instead of mailing a letter...and even mailing a letter, for most, requires simply walking out the door and placing a letter in a mailbox (rather than a trip to the post office). Sure, going to school or going to work is a daily chore that requires transportation...but these staples of society are virtually non-negotiable foundations. There is no built-in mechanism in our schedules that sets aside time to vote. Only a national holiday would provide this outlet. How much higher would turnout be with the day off for everyone? My friend had a conversation with a man who said he didn't have time to vote today, but that he would "vote tomorrow." A national holiday on election day would educate and make aware--who would it help? The poor and the lazy. The non-lazy poor deserve the chance. The others...eh, whatever.

Halloween...at least it keeps the candy industries in business...

2006-10-31T17:48:00.000-08:00

So, I'm writing this post as I sit in darkness in my New Jersey house. Why? Because neither I nor my three roommates bought candy for our trick-or-treaters. So, I'm pretending not to be home so that I don't have to answer the doorbell and say, "sorry kids...no candy here. My roommates and I were too lazy."

I'm kind of surprised Halloween hasn't felt the wrath of health-crazed society, which makes up much of LA and NYC. A holiday that is dedicated to giving out candy can't be helping the fight against child obesity. Giving out candy en masse may be near the equivalent to giving out cigarettes. Eating 20 Mikly Ways in a night (and I DEFINITELY did on Halloween) has to be worse for an eight year old than smoking a couple butts.

While I always enjoyed Halloween, I would be in favor of changing the "treats" to more exotic snacks that were better for you. I'm all for the jobs created by the candy industry that are funded from Halloween, but maybe those jobs would exist at the, oh, I don't know, papaya factory if we changed our culture. I'm not saying we should give out raisins...I mean, let's be clear here: raisins suck. Only a complete loser would give out raisins to kids on Halloween (I remember occasionally getting raisins and being livid). But, even as a kid, if I got a coconut for Halloween, I would have thought that was pretty fucking awesome. Maybe the gift doesn't have to be food...'trick or treat' certainly doesn't require that food be the treat. What if people gave out toys? Or small bottles of Jager? I would have LOVED a bottle of Jager as an eight-year old. And you'd win instant street cred with the kids who smoke on the corner.

Seriously, though, I'm doing my social good for the day by hiding in my living room with the lights out and not answering the door for cute, dressed up seven year olds who get a great thrill from getting candy. I always knew that laziness would be my gift to society.

CARLOS PENA ON RED SOX!!!!

2006-08-28T18:24:00.000-07:00

I called this!

The only negative to downloading music...

2006-08-04T22:29:00.000-07:00

The only negative that I can think of to the "downloading music for free" era is that I (and many people) have not purchased albums like we did ten years ago. For the first years of the download era, I was happy to be rid of paying for CDs...not that the expense was great, but it was a hassle to go out, buy a CD, get the CD player to work, open that damn case, etc.

But, as I prepare to move out of my Princeton apartment, I discovered that I had actually brought 10 CDs with me when I originally moved to Princeton. I decided I'd give a few of my favorites a listen--first time in ten years for some...

I think I learned many things.

1) My musical appreciation has changed quite a bit in ten years. I remember listening to Phish's Rift when I was 12. Totally clueless...I kinda liked a few of the songs then, I remembered...at least, I thought I liked them...I now realize that the songs I kinda liked, I liked for the wrong reasons...they were catchy and sounded like cheesy pop. I guess I must have tried to relate it to something, but it was so different from anything I'd heard, I didn't know how to register what I was hearing...

Now, listening to it, I realize it's a fantastic album, phenominal from start to finish, very experimental and showcasing the incredible talent of Phish, on a pure instument ownership basis. My only main criticism is that a few songs are bit too Rosenchantzy/Rockapella-ish--I understand the intention, but the line greys for a few songs. Overall, though, it's great--and it's fantastic because one song leads into the next, one mood sets up another...which brings me to...

2) Listening to an entire album, rather than just one single from one artist here and another there, as we all tend to listen to music these days, is an entirely different music-listening experience. A great album is an hour-long song split into a whole bunch of small parts....which brings me to...

3) There is a difference between a great album and a great collection of songs. Rift is a great album...the continuity and fluidity of every song juxtaposed to the next is outstanding. Herbie Hancock's Headhunters is a great collection of songs. Each song takes the listener on a journey, but each song is, itself, its own entity. The transition from song to song is unimportant. There is a definite end to the song. But with Rift, no single song is amazing...but when taken together, the album is amazing.

4) If I added a whole bunch of lingo words that no one has ever seen before to the previous three paragraphs, and take a slightly haughtier tone, maybe one day I could write a music article for a major publication...

South Park, once again, predicts reality

2006-08-01T20:13:00.000-07:00

See my previous post about why South Park should have made Mel Gibson turn into Hitler, and not crazy...and now, he has justified himself in real life. Unreal.

This is a scary situation right now. It really seems like the US, UK and Israel want the war to escalate to mammoth proportions so that "real change" can finally be made, instead of a tenuous peace...but when there are crazy people with nukes involved, is that really what we want? I don't know...but it's kinda scary...

I gotta admit, I'm kinda sick of Barbaro being in the news. Am I the only one rooting for him to die? What, no good? (I'm kidding, please, don't worry...animals, I like...people-eh...)

'Scuse me...while I kiss this guy...[ba dahdah,ba dahdah]

2006-07-28T18:13:00.000-07:00

I think that's no.1 on most frequently misheard lyrics...

Anyway, 'scuse me..while I talk politics...

So, the UN wants a 72-hour cease fire so they can deliver aid to northern Israel and southern Lebanon...

If they get this, it really brings up the oddity of war. Both sides can just say, "hey man, I'm tired, timeout, ok?" If the UN convinces both sides to stop, what do the soldiers do in the 72 hours? Rest and relaxation? Day spas and casino gambling? And what are they doing on like, hour 71? Don't you think most of the soldiers, after three days off from trying to be killed, might decide that the poker table was kinda better than intense life-threatening warcraft? "Aw man, I gotta go back to war? Shit. OK, double or nothing on this one..." (side note: how useless is the UN...it's like this organization is being run by Isiah Thomas...'Hey guys! You and I both know that I'm totally ineffectual, but here I am! Still on the front page...").

Also, predictably, it seems like public opinion is pretty much against Israel on his one, save for the U.S and U.K.. A terrorist organization runs wild in Lebanon, Israel gets sick of it, tries to force the country with the terrorist group to get ahold of its criminals, and the world screams at bully Israel to stop with the guns and shit (Biggie reference there, hope you got it). "Israel, cut it out! I mean, it was only the 27th Hezbollah attack...don't you guys have patience? [Anti-Semetic remark mumbled under breath...]." Yup...around the world, anti-Israel demonstrations. Finally, an excuse to band around our common enemy! A feel good event for all!

Is Israel dumb for potentially ruining the Lebanese government, one of the more friendly governments to American interests? Potentially--but reinforcing its "don't fuck with the Israeli military" image is vital to the success of the country. When surrounded by enemies, you can't put up with shit. Otherwise, your neighbors gain confidence.

The Israeli military, by the way, is like the Green Bay Packers. They are members of a small country's army but the team's pride makes it a top contender every year. People drop whatever they are doing to join the Israeli army. It is a badge of honor, unlike any other military organization I've ever heard of (scarily, the Nazis may be the closest I can think of...). I think of the Israeli army slapping the photo of Vince Lombardi every time they get ready for combat.

Perhaps I'm biased beyond reform, but every time Israel is involved in a conflict, it sure seems to me that it's only in retaliation--difficult to get too upset with a country just trying to defend itself. If the response is tough, well, maybe you shouldn't have fucked with the motherfucker to begin with...

secret to pryor's success

2006-07-13T20:50:00.000-07:00

I downloaded four full-length CDs of Richard Pryor's comedy. Why did Prior set the stadard for Black male comedians when others failed?

1) Pryor is damn funny. He is one clever motherfucker.

2) Pryor kinda sounds like a nerdy white guy. I'm serious--have you ever heard another Black man whose voice sounds like Pryor's? No. And this helped Pryor, because White people could easily understand him. Yeah, Pryor's vernacular was not White-friendly--but his "sound" was. Same with Cosby. The only other Black man who I've heard that sounds like Pryor is Cosby. And again, he reached both Black and White audiences...

In closing, we are a far more racist society than people often see on the surface. Our racism is more subtle and more equal opportunity (Whites fear Arabs more than Blacks)...but our Black comedians (Rock, Tucker, Murphy, Cosby, Pryor) who hit both White and Black audiences all have one thing in common--a weird voice. That's what does it for the Whiteys--if you don't "sound" Black, we can accept you.

Overheard in Walmart

2006-05-20T21:39:00.000-07:00

I think 'Overheard in Walmart' should overtake 'Overheard in New York.' Here's one from today (yes, I shop at Walmart):

"Nah, Tianna's still sick. She's in bed with, uhhhh, I think typhoid fever. She's be sick for a long-ass time."

I'm gonna take a stab at this one and guess that Tianna (Tyanna?) does not have typhoid fever. However, I might be mistaken--it's hard to remember all of the names of my Oregon Trail kids. It's possible that Tyanna is one of them and does, in fact, have typhoid fever. If that's the case, I apologize, T. I'll shoot you a buffalo. But I may not be able to carry all of it back.

More random thoughts

2006-05-15T21:46:00.000-07:00

1) My friend Keith links to Daniel Negreanu's blog in his own blog about playing poker in Vegas. Here's Keith's blog which I think is about 100 times better than Negreanu's.

My point here is not to plug Keith, but rather to say how appauled I was to read Negreanu's recent posts. He writes like a 14-year old girl. LOL! Oh my god! We went to Nine at eight! Like, oh my god, totally.

Some sports channel has a poker promo on now that I always see which ends with a clip of Negreanu winning a pot and saying "yes!" with the wussiest lisp I've ever heard from a heterosexual celebrity. I think Negreanu is a fantastic poker player, but dude, think about having a testosterone injection. You're embarrassing yourself.

2) I was driving in Central Jersey today and saw an enormous vulture feasting on a dead deer on the side of the road. I love that I live in the Serengeti. I just learned last week that there is a wildlife refuge about 6 minutes from my apartment. Insane. 55 minutes from the biggest metropolis in the country, and you live in a zoo.

3) The best part of having the baseball package is that I get to see Bernie and Phyl commercials when I watch the Red Sox games. Local furniture commercials are part of the fabric of American society. When Bernie and Phyl stop doing commercials, the terrorists win.

4) Studio 61 will be a hit for NBC, and I will try to watch. This sounds like the first good new show NBC has had in 6 years.

5) Speaking of new shows on NBC, I just watched two episodes of the British version of the Office again yesterday, and there is absolutely no comparison to the American version. The British version is about 100 magnitudes funnier than the American show. The show does a better job of capturing only slightly exaggerated awkwardness than any I've ever seen. Gervais playing off why his employees don't like him is genius every time. "Ah, kissed everyone else but me. Sets boundries. Good head on her shoulders. Didn't want things to get awkward." Really, just watch the episode where he is approached to be a motivational trainer...if you think the show is even close to the American version after seeing that episode, well, I have no use for you as a human being.

Britney Pregnant One More Time

2006-05-09T18:21:00.000-07:00

Cnn.com, congrats on that headline. Phenominal. I typically hate you, Cnn.com, but that headline is genius.

The actor who plays House should win every TV award for best actor for as long as the show is on the air. Have you heard him speak in real life? The dude has a thick British accent...how is that possible? You're risking your patient's life!

The Ben Stein Ferris Bueller Verizon commercial also wins points in my book. Stein hasn't aged at all in 20 years. Pretty impressive.

I now have accrued over 500 dollars in parking tickets this year. Unreal. I'm a huge idiot.

I probably have some deep thoughts to get out on paper, but...yeah, I got nothin. This was mostly a desperate attempt to keep some readers on board so that, one day, I can actually have some people read something somewhat interesting.

The moment of truth....

2006-05-02T18:46:00.000-07:00

I'm just one day away from my personal moment of truth:

How many facebook "Happy birthday!" messages will I get? It's how I judge my life. Five or more...hello self-esteem. One or zero...hello blood, tears and possibly spewing brain matter.

In other news, the NFL Draft was a great time, highlighted by my sitting behind the mothers of Donovon McNabb, Jerome Bettis and 49ers defensive tackle Anthony Adams (they were all wearing the sons' NFL jerseys...they apparently go every year to the draft because it's the place where their lives changed (i.e. got ridiculously rich)).

Also, please try and watch Stephen Colbert's speech at the White House Correspondent's Dinner if you can. The audience non-reaction to his entire 25-minute speech is priceless. Aghast is too mellow of a word for their reaction--the camera did a great job of catching President Bush's consistent scowl (and occasional checking of his watch).

The other white meat

2006-04-16T07:51:00.000-07:00

So, it was the other team that snatched up Carlos Pena...

The short-porch Yankees signed Pena to a minor league contract yesterday. I hope Boston is beat out for the AL East when Carlos takes Foulke, Timlin or Papelbon deep to right in a late-inning September game.

Also, this was sent my way and is awesome...

http://postarchives.entensity.net/061005/media.php?media=nothisbaby.wmv

The worst segment of society

2006-04-02T12:50:00.000-07:00

I dropped my friend Keith off at the train station this morning. The normal drop-off area was blocked off by a myraid of cars and police vehicles. As a result, I dropped Keith off in front of the train station, right next to a sidewalk. Within about 15 seconds, a police truck pulled up from behind me and radioed that I move my car slightly closer to the sidewalk (I was pretty close to begin with). I quickly said goodbye to Keith, got back in my car, and turned around to go back home. Just as I got back in the car, the policeman, a 240-lb stern looking African American gentleman, radios, "get back in your car now! This is not a social outing!" Keep in mind that I was not blocking any traffic and was also not out of my car for more than ten seconds.

Fifteen seconds later after I turn around, the policeman puts on his siren. I drive for a bit because I think he's going to drive right by me, but then I realize he's actually pulling me over.

My immediately reaction is to get out of my car and confront the guy. I can't believe he's pulling me over for a 10-second drop off of my friend when the main area to drop someone off was blocked. But I realize this probably isn't a good idea, so I just wait and stew.

He approaches me and asks for my license and registration. I politely ask why he is pulling me over. He says, 'If you stop talking and do what I say, I will tell you.' He looks at them for a while and then begins:

"You broke about ten laws back there. First, you obstructed traffic. Second, you were too far from the curb when you pulled over. Then, you did an illegal U-Turn when you turned around. You also crossed over the double-yellow line, another fine. I should be writing you up for about 1000 dollars in fines and 8 points."

Now, there were no double-yellow lines where I turned around. In fact, it was a dead-end, and no one was on the road. I told him this, but he simply told me I was wrong and "for [my] best interest, I better stop arguing with [him]."

He went back to his car and told me I was lucky that he was a nice guy. He'd only give me a ticket for obstructing traffic. He told me the fine was minimal but that I'd have to call the phone number on the back of the ticket (which he hand-wrote) to find out exactly how much. I called the number today, and I think he wrote down the wrong number--I got a fax tone on the other end.

We live a great society, where our law enforcers truly understand the spirit of the law and make intelligent decisions.

Welcome back, Carlos?

2006-03-26T13:33:00.000-08:00

"My friend," Carlos Pena, was released yesterday by the Detroit Tigers. Knowing nothing about the situation, I am going on record to predict that the Red Sox will sign him to a contract. The Sox could use the first base depth and will enjoy Pena's smooth left-handed swing at Fenway. Plus, the Sox can sign guys and not bat an eye over the money, so Pena should mean nothing to the payroll. And he's local, having played his college baseball at Northeastern.

I once interviewed Carlos Pena at an event called "Team Harmony," which used to be held at the old Fleet Center (can't remember what they call it now) in Boston. Pena was a senior at Northeastern and the kids TV show I was on wanted me to interview him.

I was quickly given a microphone, and the executive producer said "Go!". The cameras went on, and there I was, interviewing a smiley 20-year old whose identity I was not familiar with.

That's not totally accurate--I knew Pena played baseball for Northeastern. But after that...nothing. I didn't know what position he played or anything about him.

And so began one of the most awkward 5 minute interviews I had in my illustrious 4 year run as kid sports reporter. I tried thinking of the most vague questions possible, trying as hard as possible to seem like I knew who I was talking to. I also tried to get as much information about him as I could on the fly..."So, did you play a lot of positions growing up, Carlos? How did you end up where you are now?"

After five minutes, I was exhausted and said a silent prayer of thanks that I didn't just break down half way through and blurt out, "I HAVE NO IDEA WHO YOU ARE!"

But apparently, my obviously awkward questions made quite an impression on Carlos, who either thought a) I was a 'Make a Wish' case or b) my questions were well-suited to his broken English (i.e. he could understand what I was asking). For some bizarre reason, he seemed to really like me...(A c) answer is that he had never been interviewed before and d) is that he had never been interviewed by a 16-year old before).

It turns out that Carlos was going to be the studio guest on our show three weeks later. It was a very slow week.

Carlos made me promise that I'd be at the studio during his guest appearance. I said, "sure!"...I actually had no idea if I'd be on that particular show. But since I was absolutely sure he'd not remember the conversation three weeks later (or who I was) and because his English was mediocre, I figured "sure!" was a better answer than "well, Carlos, it depends on how the producers would like to rotate the various kids on this show..."

Three weeks later, Carlos is on the show, and I am not. I think nothing of it, besides a quick thought as to how strange Pena's query/request that I be at the show was.

The following week, I was back on the show. The executive producer handed me a note..."Carlos Pena left this for you..."

She handed me a sticky note. It said something like, "Dear Alex. You said you would come. You were not here. You disappointed me. Your friend, Carlos."

I still have the note and have frequently picked up Carlos Pena in fantasy baseball since that occurrence (the opposite of the Brady Anderson story, really...).

So, come on, Theo. Carlos will bring another World Series. That short porch in right is perfect for the sweet swing of...whoever this guy is.

Where does all the money come from?

2006-03-05T10:57:00.000-08:00

I went to Atlantic City last night...first time in about a year. In that time, I forgot about how ridiculously expensive every casino in AC is on a Saturday night. Every blackjack was 25 minimum. Every roulette table was 15 minimum. It's absolutely absurd. In twenty minutes, I was down $300 after a few roulette spins. 90 minute drive...5 bucks to park...20 minutes, -300.

Now, of course, you have to continue to gamble. But it's getting to the point where I can't even "dabble" in any other game besides poker. It's the only game you can actually play for a few hours without risking losing your life savings (besides slot machines, of course)...

Which brings me to the obvious question: There were thousands of people at table games last night. Each table was completely full, and most were double-deep, at every casino we visited.

Where are these people getting all of their money?

Are people gambling money they can't afford to gamble? Or are there just a lot more wealthy people than I realize? I honestly don't know the answer to this...Keith, do you get any sense of this in Vegas? Is your typical 50-dollar a hand blackjack player a tourist just blowing through a couple grand on a weekend or is he wealthy? Or, is he so desperate that he actually is tied to the hope that he wins, for his livelihood and sanity? I wish casinos gave all their patrons a questionaire so that there were some statistics on this...I'm very curious.

A break from nihilism to enjoy the scenery

2006-03-03T19:37:00.000-08:00

You know, most of the time, I'm disappointed in people--on an individual level, that is. The trouble is they are usually too nice, which is boring, and thus leads me to disappointment.

But I wanted to interrupt my consistent people bashing with an important message. People are awesome.

I was thinking today about how buying a large DVD collection is probably dumb because technology will advance so much in 10 years that DVDs will be archane.

I realized that I think of "technology" as a natural occurrence--like the sun coming up. But really, it's just a bunch of ridiculously smart people doing crazy things with intangible ideas and making inventions that people can only imagine.

"That's awesome!" - Nye, Bill. Science Guy. 1998. PBS.

Seriously...there are so many people on this earth. I mean, I know a lot of smart, well educated people...but I can honestly say I don't think I know anyone who is going to invent the cell phone that also plays movies, broadcasts live TV, checks my email when I ask it to and reads my mind, automatically dialing when I want to speak to someone. But someone's gonna do that. And others are going to help and almost do that...like, for every success, there have to be a ton of near failures too. But each of those will...

"I lost my train of thought." Costanza, Frank. Seinfeld. 1996.

So, here's to you, people. I think you're great, as a species. I'm going to start studying for the GREs pretty soon (LSATs weren't enough...), so here's an anology to chew over.

PEOPLE : INDIVIDUAL as ... ummm...

"I lost my train of thought." Costanza, Frank. Seinfeld. 1996.

Going to the dentist

2006-02-28T18:01:00.000-08:00

The dentist visit always cracks me up.

First, there's a minimum 45 minute wait in the waiting room--I don't think it matters how busy they are...they always give you 45 minutes of crappy magazine reading time to pump up for THE BIG MEETING* (explanation to follow).

I finally get called in and get taken into one of the back rooms...there are always crazy pictures on the dentist's wall. At the office in Princeton, there's a 1966 framed BATMAN poster, with drawings of Adam West and the rest of the crew (P.S. Adam West is older than I thought...he's over 70...props for being so hilarious on Family Guy).

So, the hygenist comes in and does the cleaning thing. I'm bleeding onto my bib and am always shocked when I rinse to see the blood. 'Don't worry about the blood, honey, that's normal.' Yes, I know, I've been to the dentist before...it's still a little disconcerting when you don't feel any pain...

10 MINUTES TO THE BIG MEETING

They clean me with that awful tasting green toothpaste. Now there are green and red splotches on my bib, a combination of blood and toothpaste. Some of the blood is at the bottom of my bib. How did that happen? Is blood flying out of my mouth somehow without me noticing? I don't understand...

5 MINUTES TO THE BIG MEETING

The hygenist cleans me up and offers me a toothbrush. Hooray! A free toothbrush! Man, I should go to the dentist every day. She tells me THE DENTIST WILL BE IN SHORTLY.

2 MINUTES TO THE BIG MEETING

I'm so nervous. Please, please don't let me have any cavities. Or worse. My gums were bleeding too much, I know it. I think back to when I last flossed...four years ago. That can't be good. Do I brush long enough? Some days I rush it. Fuck, why did I rush it? My teeth are falling out. Why is my gum sore all of the sudden? I have gum disease, I know it. I'm gonna need oral surgery.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BOYS AND GIRLS, HERE HE IS, THE STAR OF THE SHOW...DR. GOLD/SCHWARTZ/LEVINE/WANG/SINGH!

(Tonight Show introduction music)

'Thank you, thank you, I'm Dr. Levine!'

[Applause]

I'm always a little awkward around THE DENTIST. It's like this guy's a celebrity. He comes in at the end, like the owner of a large restuarant, to pay his respects. I always feel humbled in his presence. OH MY GOD IT'S THE DENTIST! I always shake his hand. 'YES! I'm never washing this hand again!'

The dentist is typically very friendly and ALWAYS calls you by your first name. HE KNOWS ME! The DENTIST! Wow...he only sees me twice a year! Man, I'm telling all my friends.

He opens my mouth, looks for 10 seconds, pokes around a bit, and says, "you're fine!" He leaves.

I'm overjoyed. It's rare in life that you get straightforward, no strings attached good news. Now, it's not like I learned anything from this visit. I left with no more specific knowledge about my teeth than I came in with. But I'm still so happy. I don't even want the dentist to look, I think...it's a bit of a paradox. I certainly want him to catch anything that might turn into a big problem down the road...but at the same time, I'm very glad to shut my mouth after his 10 seconds of poking around and to agree with his quick diagnosis that I'm fine. That's OK, Doc...you don't have to double-check. You said I'm OK. No backsies.

At long last, a solution

2006-02-23T17:28:00.000-08:00

So, I'd say most people think I'm fairly cynical and a misanthrope, and I guess I am. However, I've only chosen to act this way because it neatly fits the way I think. Sometimes I think I simply have high expectations of people that are not met and other times I think I'm too harsh on most human beings and should give them more of a chance.

I've struggled with this before, and honestly, I don't want to hate most people. I like having friends. Lots of them. I talk to my friends quite often and do things with them. They are fun to have around.

But only about 1 in 15 people can meet my basic qualifications for "reasonable, interesting person." And I've finally realized why.

I am perfect. My friends are simply the closest thing to perfection that's around. So, congrats, friends. You all should be proud of youselves. Winning my friendship, I'd say, is about as hard as applying and getting into the combination of Harvard grad, Yale law and Harvard med, all before the age of 26.

The rest of you all just suck, as people. That's the answer. You all suck.

Too much little girl tolerance these days!

2006-02-11T18:49:00.000-08:00

I was getting my haircut today and I happened to sit next to a very cute eight-year old girl. She was very talkative and energetic, speaking to her hairdresser and her mom. Amused, I began eavesdropping on her conversations (I must admit, I'm not a big talker during haircuts unless I'm at a barber shop, in which case social conditions dictate that you have a conversation).

To my amusement, this girl was the WORST storyteller I've heard in quite some time. She would continuously start a story and, within seconds, the story would go nowhere.

"My mom...she goes to the bathroom every morning, and she brushes her teeth and takes a shower and wets her hair...[End of story]."

"There's this boy, his name is Billy, he's in my class, and he hates green, and he...[voice trails off, end of story]."

This happened, literally, eight times. Some of the stories were 5 or 6 sentences long, but none had a moral, punchline or resolution of any kind. While at first bemused, I eventually got annoyed. Not really at the stories, per se, but at the fact that the hairdresser and mother were laughing along. Now this girl, who will likely grow up very attractive, will not learn that her storytelling ability sucks. I started thinking that someone should slap a little sense into her, so that she could learn what an important skill storytelling is as an adult. There's nothing worse than a person who thinks he is a good storyteller but actually sucks. A bad story saps the life out of a conversation, no matter how many people are involved. By the end of my haircut, I wanted to punch the little girl in the face. Nothing says "you suck" like a firm strike to the punim. She'd always remember that moment in the hairdresser, when she learned the importance of good storytelling. To ensure that this moment became instilled in her memory, I also would have yelled, "HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW, BITCH!" after striking her forcefully. I wouldn't take the chance that she'd forget our chance meeting and my lifesaving advice.

I'm watching the "trial" runs for the men's downhill event...this is the stupidest thing I've ever seen. Each competitor is trying to time his run so that he finishes as close to "average" as possible. So, Bode Miller keeps going into a full slowdown before crossing the finish so that he can time when he crosses the line to put himself in 15th position (out of 30) for tomorrow.

Why not just have the person who finishes first CHOOSE when he'd like to ski tomorrow? Would that be so difficult? Or does the Olympic Community think the public wants to see the "slowdown techniques" of all the greatest skiers in the world? Mitt Romney, I wish you were still in charge. You're dreamy.

Wow, this is a great day

2006-02-08T18:03:00.000-08:00

1) BEAUTY AND THE GEEK IS BACK ON! The last season of this was, honestly, the best reality show I've ever seen. Richard, the show's main character, was the funniest person I've seen on TV, real or scripted, in 10 years. He is the next comic genius, I'm telling you.

2) The band "Morningwood" has reached mainstream status to the degree that commercials on network TV stations casually announce "Morningwood!" as some wussy pop song plays in the background. I have a feeling that there are a lot of very stuffy shirts running the FCC if they're not OK with the Rolling Stones singing their damn everyone-in-the-fucking-US-already-knows-them lyrics but are OK with proclaiming, "MORNINGWOOD!" during commercials that reach 10s of millions of people...

3) From now on, when I refer to reefer, I'm going to call it 'the Profound,' since everything said to you while on it is profound. I'm gonna reach Snoop Dogg legend status with this one. Ima be cited in rap music videos and referenced in college stoner movies.

4) Does 'Diddy' actually appeal to anyone? Is Pepsi crazy or genius for making this guy the front man for the company? Maybe I'm so out of touch with the company's target audience that I'm totally wrong on this one, but doesn't everyone think that this guy sucks? And...why would you hire Carson Daly? Is Pepsi trying NOT to sell its products? Why in God's name are these the two people they are paying? (Diddy, if you read, please don't kill me. Seriously, I'm sorry, I never met you, just...don't hurt me. Carson, whatever, bring it on).

5) Chai tea. Ain't nuthin' wrong with that.

Unintentional Comedy at the Grammys and a bad NBA Draft

2006-02-08T16:04:00.000-08:00

Wow...watching Joan Rivers interview young rappers on the Red Carpet is HILARIOUS. In the last five minutes, she has incorrectly introduced all three rappers who have joined her. Her producers (who obviously don't know who is who either) keep handing her the incorrect card and she keeps figuring out that the rapper is not the person she thinks he is WAY too late...She just introduced the last guy, a very drunk, large, 20-something black man, as "Keane," the name of the new British rock band up for "Best New Artists." She called him "Keane" three times before he figured out she didn't know who he was, and, when Rivers finally figured out she had the wrong card, her attempt at passing it off as a joke was horribly awkward. The interview ended with the rapper pretending to be good buds with Rivers and kissing her on the cheek. YES! You just took one in the jugular!

For NBA fans out there, the 2000 NBA Draft has to the best worst draft of all time. Check out this first round:

FIRST-ROUND SELECTIONS

1. New Jersey Nets
PF Kenyon Martin, Cincinnati
2. Vancouver Grizzlies
PF Stromile Swift, LSU
3. L.A. Clippers
SF Darius Miles, East St. Louis, Ill.
4. Chicago Bulls
PF Marcus Fizer, Iowa State
5. Orlando Magic
SF Mike Miller, Florida
6. Atlanta Hawks
SG DerMarr Johnson, Cincinnati
7. Chicago Bulls
C Chris Mihm, Texas
Traded to Cleveland
8. Cleveland Cavaliers
PG Jamal Crawford, Michigan
Traded to Chicago
9. Houston Rockets
C Joel Pryzbilla, Minnesota
Traded to Milwaukee
10. Orlando Magic
PG Keyon Dooling, Missouri
Traded to Los Angeles Clippers
11. Boston Celtics
PF Jerome Moiso, UCLA
12. Dallas Mavericks
PF Etan Thomas, Syracuse
13. Orlando Magic
SG C. Alexander, Fresno State
Traded to Dallas
14. Detroit Pistons
PG Mateen Cleaves, Michigan State
15. Milwaukee Bucks
C Jason Collier, Georgia Tech
Traded to Houston
16. Sacramento Kings
SF Hidayet Turkoglu, Turkey
17. Seattle SuperSonics
SF Desmond Mason, Okla. State
18. L.A. Clippers
SG Quentin Richardson, DePaul
19. Charlotte Hornets
PF Jamaal Magloire, Kentucky
20. Philadelphia 76ers
PG Speedy Claxton, Hofstra
21. Toronto Raptors
SF Morris Peterson, Michigan State
22. New York Knicks
SF Donnell Harvey, Florida
Traded to Dallas
23. Utah Jazz
SG DeShawn Stevenson, Wash. Union (Calif.) HS
24. Chicago Bulls
C Dalibor Bagaric, Croatia
25. Phoenix Suns
C Iakovos Tsakalidis, Greece
26. Denver Nuggets
C Mamadou N'Diaye, Auburn
27. Indiana Pacers
C Primoz Brezec, Slovenia
28. Portland Trail Blazers
PG Erick Barkley, St. John's
29. L.A. Lakers
PF, Mark Madsen, Stanford

Other than Kenyon Martin, who is not an All-Star anymore, there are ZERO good players in that first round...and, beside Michael Redd, the second round is no better...

30 Clippers Marko Jaric G N/A
31 Mavericks Dan Langhi F Vanderbilt
(from Chicago)
Rights traded to Houston for draft rights to Eduardo Najera and a future second-round draft pick
32 Bulls A.J. Guyton G Indiana
(from Golden State)
33 Bulls Jake Voskuhl C Connecticut
(from Vancouver via Houston)
34 Bulls Khalid El-Amin G Connecticut
(from Atlanta)
35 Wizards Mike Smith F Louisiana-Monroe
36 Nets Soumaila Samake C N/A
37 Heat Eddie House G Arizona State
(from Cleveland via Denver)
38 Rockets Eduardo Najera F Oklahoma
Rights traded, along with a future second-round draft pick, to Dallas for Dan Langhi
39 Knicks Lavor Postell G St. John's
(from Celtics)
40 Hawks Hanno Mottola F Utah
(from Denver)
41 Spurs Chris Carrawell G Duke
(from Orlando)
42 Supersonics Olumide Oyedeji F N/A
(from Orlando)
43 Bucks Michael Redd G Ohio State
44 Pistons Brian Cardinal F Purdue
45 Kings Jabari Smith C Louisiana State
46 Raptors DeeAndre Hulett G College of the Sequoias (CA)
47 Supersonics Josip Sesar G N/A
Rights traded to Boston for two future second-round draft picks
48 76ers Mark Karcher G Temple
49 Bucks Jason Hart G Syracuse
(from Charlotte)
50 Jazz Kaniel Dickens F Idaho
(from New York)
51 Timberwolves Igor Rakocevic G N/A
52 Heat Ernest Brown C Indian Hill CC
53 Nuggets Dan McClintock C Northern Arizona
(from Phoenix)
54 Spurs Cory Hightower G Indian Hill CC
Rights traded to Los Angeles Lakers for two future second-round draft picks
55 Warriors Chris Porter F Auburn
(from Utah)
56 Pacers Jaquay Walls G Colorado
57 Hawks Scoonie Penn G Ohio State
58 Mavericks Pete Mickeal F Cincinnati

Bill Simmons, after you read this, give me a shout-out. This draft sucks at a legendary level. Amazingly bad.

Some Top 5 Lists

2006-02-07T19:26:00.000-08:00

I've learned a lot in the past couple years, sometimes when sober.

One of the things I've learned is that everyone likes a good list, and most people will settle for a bad list.

So, here's a few [choose your own adjective] lists from my brain to yours. I'll do "Top 5s" and count down to increase the drama.

Top 5 Fantasy Jobs:

5. Crooner who occasionally is seen wearing bowler hat

4. Food critic with fast metabolism

3. Late Night talk show host

2. Jazz Pianist

1. Game show host

Top 5 TV Theme Songs:

5. Roseanne

4. What's Happening!!

3. The Critic

2. The Greatest American Hero

1. Press Your Luck

Top 5 WWF Wrestlers:

5. Hacksaw Jim Duggan

4. George 'The Animal' Steele

3. Mr. Perfect (Curt Henning)

2. Ted Dibiase

1. Koko B. Ware

Top 5 Annual Events I Look Forward to Each Year:

5. Tu B'Shevat (that's a joke...please, no comments from Orthodox Jews)

4. The Oscars

3. NFL Draft

2. March Madness

1. Fantasy Baseball Draft

In Mexico, how do they distinguish LSATS from El SATs?

2006-02-03T19:33:00.000-08:00

'cause, that'd be confusing. Maybe it's EL LSATs. But that would be pronounced "yaysats", with the double-l thing...

Kaplan says not to study the day before the LSATS. I believe I've studied eight hours today. Kaplan also says to do all your homework. I've done virtually none. So, I've got that going for me...

Anyway, I'm about to go to sleep, but I'm definitely looking forward to having this done, unless, of course, I suck tomorrow, in which case my joy of finishing would quickly turn into self-pity and doubt. Man, the number of commas in that last sentence will probably be higher than my score tomorrow...that's a qualified predicition, which is a type of conclusion, often signaled by keywords such as "therefore" and "hence."

Good luck, Shermdude.

Peeling the Onion

2006-01-28T16:00:00.000-08:00

The Onion has a famous article out there about how ridiculous the razor industry has gotten about adding blades to their razors. I have thought it was absurd from the getgo...10 blades! 26 blades!

I have used the Mach 3 (and experimented with the Turbo) for four years now. Before the Mach 3, I used a regular Gillette razor. It was aight. Then I tried the Mach 3 and it was better--closer shave, fewer nicks, etc. However, it still wasn't great. After using it for a couple years, I got into a conversation with some college roommates about razors...we brought up the Mach 3. My roommates raved about it: Best razor ever. Closest shave ever. I kinda shrugged off the discussion, adding at one point that while I used it, I didn't think it was that great. My shaves were never as close as I thought they could be.

My roommates laughed at me, I remember. They told me it was me, not the razor. They told me I wasn't shaving against the grain, or that I wasnt replaing the blades as often as I should be...I thought they were probably right. Three blades should be plenty for a close shave. And all my roommates seemed to think the Mach 3 (especially the Turbo) was amazing. So, I figured it was me (or my stupid rough face), and I stuck with the Mach without question.

Two weeks ago, I took a trip to Super Happy Funland (Walmart) to pick up some contact lense solution. While walking to the small province where the solution is kept, I passed by a display for the Schick Quattro. In the past, I had scoffed at the razor blade battle. But, looking around to make sure no one was watching, I grabbed a Quattro and went on my way.

Back at the ranch, I opened up the razor and tried it out. The results sent a shockwave up my spine rivaled only by the feeling that rattled my view of the world when Jean Van de Velde blew the British Open on the 18th in 1999 (people who say 9/11 was shocking must not have been watching the events of Carnoustie that day).

The Quattro is my new Allah. Finally, I got the shave that I KNEW I could accomplish. I knew it was within my reach, all these years--I just didn't know the fourth blade would actually make a difference. Just goes to show you--sometimes you're too quick to judge. I'm gonna rethink the whole way I live now. No more quick judgments about people. I'm gonna give everything a chance now--maybe two chances! I'm a changed man.

Now get the fuck away from me, assholes.

I don't mean to be mean...

2006-01-25T18:45:00.000-08:00

But I'm watching "The Biggest Loser," and this episode is between two families who work out for a week or so. The family that loses the most weight gets a fantastic prize--a trip to the Caribbean. Thing is, I can't imagine that any of these people are too psyched to be showing off their grotesquely obese bodies on the beach--yes, even after the women go from 250 to 242.

Or, perhaps, if you're willing to tell the world your weight on national TV, maybe you're not too sensitive about how others perceive you. This brings me to the "locker room" principle.

Girls, I honestly have no idea if this happens in women's locker rooms. Do women walk around naked at all in the locker room? Because it's inevitable in a guy's locker room. And it's also inevitable that the naked guy is going to be one of the most hideous people you've ever seen. It's foolproof. The naked dude is always horrifically ugly. Usually wrinkly, always overweight, almost always over 50 and never, ever showing a look of embarrassment or realization that others might be slightly uncomfortable looking at him.

At first, I couldn't understand it. Are unattractive people genetically predisposed to enjoy public nudity around other guys? It didn't seem to make sense--but of course! In order to get so unattractive, you've probably cashed it in. And if that's the case, then who cares if you're naked in the gym or not. You've already lost the ability to care, long ago. And that's probably a great feeling...the feeling of rock bottom. Nothing to lose.

Stream of consciousnessesssesss

2006-01-24T13:16:00.000-08:00

The next time you watch "The Weakest Link," listen for the obviously canned laugh at the end of every mini-burst of laughter. I guarantee you, the show has paid a guy to sit in the audience and scream "HA!" as loud as he can at the end of each joke...I think the show paid each audience member a few bucks to sit and watch the game show...god, that show sucks.

You know what show is really very good? Match Game. Great concept...there are always many close answers to a question. I enjoy playing along, gotta admit. Plus the wawa guitar theme song is fucking awesome. And it has Richard Dawson BEFORE he went really annoying, very effeminant creepy old guy. "Dickey" Dawson's actually kinda suave on the show.

I'm watching Dick Dawson host Family Feud right now. You know who I really miss? Ray Combs, or whatever that little host's name was. He was like an auctioneer hosting a game show. And he was really funny and ran the show like he really didn't care at all what the fuck was going on. And it looked like maybe he really really hated was he doing and was totally saying "fuck you world, look how dispassionately and sarcastically I'm gonna run a game show."...And then I found out he committed suicide and I suddenly thought, "uh...I was just kidding there Ray..."...and then the joke thought wasn't as funny anymore.

You know you're struggling with the Chronic when you can't quite follow what's going on in Family Feud.

I was on Family Feud. One of my life goals, accomplished at 19. I am so successful.

How does one change personalities at age 50 like Dawson? Did he become a born again and just "become cheezy creepy looks like I aged 15 years in 3 years"? I didn't know there was a religious experience quite like that...

Someone just answered "hutch" as an answer on Family Feud. I don't even know the question, but there's no way "Hutch" is going to be a right answer to any question. Unless the question was "make a sound that sounds like huttsh". Then hutch might be number four.

Dawson and Combs were great hosts because of the way they rose their voices on the last syllable of every word when repeating the answer. It was never "ball game" with the voice getting slightly lower and softer on game. It was always "ball GAME!", practically screaming out game. Then as soon as the X hit, there was like a quarter second before Combs said his next word. The game moved so fast when he hosted...Louie and Al from Home Improvement dont come close...sorry fat dudes.

And as much as I dislike Dawson much of the time on Family Feud, again, both he and Combs had a great dry sense of humor. If people said a ridiculous answer, they'd try to make them feel as miserable as possible..."Now, I REALLY think you have a good chance on this one...Hutch was a great answer, I'm telling you. There are gonna be 50, 60 people out there who said it, just watch!" (BAAAAH!!) "Oh! I THOUGHT it was gonna be up there, REALLY! You're telling me no one said Hutch?!"

Survey SAID!

I've got a new attitude

2006-01-22T18:02:00.000-08:00

Look! New look!

In an effort to build a legion of fan support, I've changed my blog settings to this radical new template. Tubular!

Actually, if I really wanted to build a new fan base, I can think of a few foolproof ways. One would be to commit a high profile crime, go to jail, and then somehow bargain (probably through marketing my rear for hire) for internet access in my cell. Posts about my daily life in prison, I bet, would get a big audience.

Another method would be to trash everyone I know and to reveal all personal secrets. That would be HUGE! I'd have...like...50 people checking every day! Man, that'd be sweet. I'd feel like I was king of the world! Shucks, I'd be popular. You can be the worst, ugliest person ever and have a wildly popular blog if you just ridicule people you know without telling them. There was this one girl I went to college with who used trash people in each blog--it was great! Sure, everyone hated her and she wasn't exactly a looker, but damn, she must have felt good everytime she checked Site Meter and saw those crooked numbers. 74 people! Wow! So, tune in next time, when maybe it'll be you I choose.

If you can think of other good ideas, let me know.

What are ya, a puff?

2006-01-10T19:11:00.000-08:00

I'm watching The People's Choice Awards and the host is Craig Ferguson.

Now, I can't say I know too much about the PCAs and maybe I'm even more out of touch with the American people.

But I think it's safe to say that Craig Ferguson's was not The People's Choice for host.

Apparently, the People have nominated 'Hitch' for best comedy. Can't say I saw Hitch, but I just saw the 10-second clip they used to display the movie's high comedy. High comedy because you'd have to be high to find the comedy! Ha! That's on par with the joke they just used for Hitch.

Also, when they showed 'Hitch,' they simply showed the clip and moved on to the next movie. The same occurred for whatever crap movie was profiled second, but when they mentioned 'Wedding Crashers,' the last movie nominated, they showed Owen Wilson sitting in the second row, aisle seat.

And guess what...Wedding Crashers won! Lucky for Owen Wilson that he was there, huh!

Marlon Brando refused an Oscar for Best Actor--what do you think his reaction would have been if he won a People's Choice Award? Maybe they would show a video of Brando from his home, taking a prolonged shit on the award and loudly groaning.

When it comes to unintentional comedy, award shows are near the top. And I don't mean unintentional like "he was in the bathroom when the award was given!" I mean, "Did you see the look of intense hatred on the face of Harrison Ford? Man, he doesn't want to be here."

I bet the People's Choice publicists just wouldn't invite Al Pacino, Robert DeNiro, Jack Nicholson, etc. for fear that they might come (not realizing what they coming to) and panic once they saw Neil Patrick Harris say "kicked in the balls" while presenting on stage. Or, simply, seeing Doogie Howser present might cause them to publicly vomit.

OK, I'm gonna go play the Doogie Howser theme song on the piano.

I'm Back.

2006-01-09T19:38:00.000-08:00

And you thought Jordan's return was big news.

There are some athletes that take a free agent contract and, despite high hopes and expectations, things just don't work out as planned. Kenny Rogers just didn't work out in New York. He returned home. Jeremiah Trotter just didn't fit in like he thought he would in Washington. But in Philadelphia, he was, and is, an All-Pro.

You know, when I signed up to be one of the Seven Deadly Cynics, it seemed like a pretty sweet deal. Front-loaded contract...sizable signing bonus...promises of playing in the limelight in front of a passionate audience...

But alas, things don't always happen as you plan.

At first, I enjoyed the new scenary. We were a team. We helped each other out and soared to a winning record. Sports Illustrated put us on the cover page.

But then, the curse set in. I soon found myself carrying the team rather than being merely a piece to a championship puzzle. Yeah, I was still bringing it, night in and night out, dazzling the crowd with show-stopping dunks and fucking my bitches on the side. I was pumping out illegit kids and refusing kids' autographs to go find my sports cars. I was doing what I was being paid to do, but my teammates couldn't hang. OK, I had a little help--a point guard from Baltimore had a good season and was among the league leaders in assists and a forward from Tennessee had some strong outings, as I expected would be the case.

But some guys signed some big contracts and quickly got fat and lazy. I thought I had a teammate from Michigan who would bring the funk every night. I expected huge seasons from the Indian and Irishman. I mean--just look at their past statistics! What the hell happened? And worst of all--my boy from Arlington. We grew up together. He talked me into taking the contract so that we could play together. It seemed like an incredible opportunity.

Instead, everything fell flat. They all signed their contracts and stopped playing hard. The crowd stopped coming to see us perform. There was constant unrest among players. We started fighting in practice. And the losses poured in.

So, I've re-upped with my former team, hoping to bring back some of the shine that once glistened off this page. Some say this blog will never be the same. Some say a comeback is pointless, that the luster is gone for good. I know I'm going to have to work extra hard (110 percent) to win back fan support and the four readers who once checked this blog once or twice every three weeks. But damnit, you only live once. I still feel the love. I'm not ready to hang them up. And, maybe, one day, I'll even return to the team that left me for naught, that disappointed my visions and dreams.

After all, you never know. That's why they play the game.

http://www.sevendeadlycynics.blogspot.com

2005-08-07T17:39:00.000-07:00

I aintz writtin' for this no more.

I's writtin' for this instead. Signed a free agent contract.

http://www.sevendeadlycynics.blogspot.com

Hahaha...NOOO!!

2005-07-17T19:15:00.000-07:00

On July 6, I wrote...

'If you found this blog by searching for Tony Little, please do not comment. That makes me queazy.'

Yesterday, someone found my blog by searching for 'Tony Little Geico Commercial.'

swearing

2005-07-17T18:17:00.000-07:00

I still infrequently swear when I'm upset...I rarely say "Fuck!" when I drop something or "Fuck you!" if I'm mad at someone.

But, for comedic purposes, one must swear early and often. Unless you're Family Guy. But He does say "Boobs" more than the average person. I capitalized 'He' because Family Guy is my god. Boobs is a funny word. I like things you don't have to think about. That's a Seinfeld reference--another show that's funny without having the luxury of cursing. So, using what I've learned from work about the importance of sample size, I'd say I can formally conclude that my hypothesis was incorrect...one does not need to curse to be funny.

Actually, they start Family Guy by saying "this episode contains some course language." So, my hypothesis is back on. Course language is funny. And that's why I swear. By the moon, and the stars, and the sun. I'll love you with every beat of my heart.

Everyone swears these days, so I'm a bit surprised our same "swear" words pack a comedic punch and have not yet been totally coopted. Of course, the envelope is constantly being pushed...and I truly only think it's a matter of time before "shit" enters the network TV vernacular. We're certainly moving closer.

I wonder if we will need to invent more "truly dirty" words into our language so that comedy doesn't get stale. If you want to shock, other than "cunt" or a handful of racial/ethnic/gender insults, our language has become limited. We used to have all those words plus 100 more...just watch an 80s comedy for a reminder. The thought of saying "penis" on a sitcom in the 80s was absurd.

Perhaps there will be a backlash by conservative groups against Family Guy which will prevent us from moving too far in the direction we're going...but I honestly don't think so..."bitch" is commonplace now and we ain't going back.

I really hope we discover some other words soon. And a good swear word needs to have a mean sound to it too. Maybe we can steal some German words. Anyone out there speak German? Can you recommend some especially nasty sounding ones?

Follow me...Follow me to freedom!

2005-07-10T19:56:00.000-07:00

I must admit, despite the fact that Charlie Steiner once pointed at me during a Harvard/Yale football game and yelled to those in earshot, "Can somebody shut that kid up?", Mr. Steiner struck gold with his great Sportscenter commercial line...to quote Ned Ryerson from Groundhog Day, it was a doooozzziee!

I must admit I enjoy cursing without the fear of being edited. It's a lot better than the old March to the Sea, where I focused most of my rage against Brenda Lee. Now, I can express my rage against many more people--Jews, Blacks...whatever I feel like! It's great! I can finally relate with Bob Saget's stand-up routine. Fuck! Haha! I swore and the word remained on the page!

I must admit it's late and while I had high hopes for this blog post, it fizzled quickly. In fact, it didn't even begin. I was going to write about all the White House Congressmen I've been sleeping with. Sorry Ben and Theresa. And perhaps Jeremy, since I assume he's constantly keeping tabs on 500-700 people per day.

I must admit this blog is beginning to suck. I will try to do much better next time.

I must admit that last statement is painfully dishonest.

YOU CAN DO IT!!!

2005-07-06T19:20:00.000-07:00

My title references that Tony Little Geico Commercial, not the Rob Schneider line in The Waterboy. I just wanted to give Tony Little some sugar. My use of 'sugar' there was an allusion to the Sports Babe, who used to have a syndicated sports radio show in the Boston area. Most of her conversations went as follows:

Sports Babe: Dallas, come at me. (Sound effect, often 'Hoo-ahh!' from Scent of a Woman).
Redneck in Dallas (thick Southern accent): What up, Babe! Love yur show!
SB: (Repeats Hoo-ahh!). Gimme some sugar Dallas. What's on your mind?
Dallas: How you think Michael Irvin gonna play this week?
SB: Irvin's a coke addict. Little Rock, gimme some love.
Redneck in Little Rock: How's Jeff Gordon gonna do at...

I miss the Sports Babe. She weighed over 400 pounds, no joke. I think she's still alive, but she's dead to me. Big Ups, Sports Babe.

If you found this blog by searching for the Sports Babe, please leave me a comment. I'd like to meet you. Gimme some love. Hoo-ahh!

If you found this blog by searching for Tony Little, please do not comment. That makes me queazy.

You all should watch this show produced by Ashton Kutcher...Babes and Geeks, or whatever it's called...there's this guy Richard on the show who is, bar none, the most riviting reality persona this side of that Boston guy on Average Joe 2 who got dumped by the model in the final episode. Richard is the most nebeshy, wildly uncool Jewish guy I've ever seen on TV...he reminds me of the Harvard Crimson. And he's in the finals, paired up with a model, for 250,000 dollars...I think the finale may have aired today, but if can catch any reruns of this show ('Beauty and the Geek', I just found out, is the name of it), it's really, really good. It's like Average Joe, but Jewed up.

If you found this blog by searching for Ashton Kutcher, please leave me a comment. I'd like to meet you. 'Cause you're probably a 14-year old girl, and I need to diversify my fan base beyond the four of you who currently read this. And by "diversify my fan base," I mean "have sex with 14-year old girls." Don't let that last comment scare you, 14-year old girls, I'm only kidding. If you're unattractive, I won't sleep with you.

I need a vacation

2005-06-27T20:27:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to feel it, bad...I need summer.

This no break thing sucks. Becoming a teacher is sounding more and more appealing to me, for summers alone. High school would be really cool...lotta work, and probably way too stressful since you'd probably start at a rough school, but summers, man...I miss my larry fuckin' summers.

In the meantime, I've decided that playing Karaoke Revolution on X-Box will have to suffice for amusement. You sing and the game rates you on how well you hit the notes and keep up with the tune. Fantastic game. I went platinum tonight. Well, actually, the character 'Gibson' went platinum. But I was the voice behind the animated eye candy.

For those that enjoyed Boom Goes the Dynamite...

2005-06-12T08:35:00.000-07:00

...and how could you not, this clip has a certain charm: http://gorillamask.net/videoweatherman2.shtml

While the novety of Brian Collins has worn off, this guy wins points for his fantastic physical comedy...and the two female news anchors are parodies of themselves...their reactions (or lack thereof) are SNL-like.

Two little Indian boys

2005-06-07T21:05:00.000-07:00

So I live across the hall from this Indian woman and her two sons...that's Dots, not Feathers. (Incidentally, I think the phrase should be 'Stinky or Squanto' rather than 'Dots or Feathers.' What, no good?)

So, I'm coming home a few days ago and the younger of the two boys (about 4 years old) sees me in the hallway and, despite never having spoken to me before, yelps, 'We're looking for an ogre!' I politely inform him that while I think his quest worthy and noble, I have seen no such ogre. He asks me if he and his seven year-old brother can come in my apartment to take a little looksy. Like all the neighbors, they know about my history of 0gre-hiding. I had to knock on all the doors and tell everyone of my past when I moved in to the complex. It was embarrassing, of course, but up until now, no one had ever called me on it.

So, I let the two nice Stinkys into my apartment. Biggest mistake of my life. Thinking them to be cute and well-behaved, I let them walk into the apartment in front of me. They immediately tear my things apart. One opens the refrigerator door and starts taking out all my food and throwing it to the floor. The older one jumps up and down on my couch and starts laughing at his brother. The younger one then sees a pack of gum I had lying around, tears it open so that all the pieces go everywhere, picks up one piece, unwraps it, puts it in his mouth and spits it onto the carpet a second later.

The younger one races to my electric piano and sits down, banging the keys. Since the piano is not plugged in, the younger one wails, "What's WRONG! Why won't this WORK!" and continues to bang. I tell him it's broken to avoid the would-be cacaphony and start talking to his brother. I find out the older one is named Visham and the younger Val. Visham informs me that he lives with his mom and brother but his dad lives "somewhere else." Visham asks if he can have a gumball from our gumball machine. I ask, "didn't your mom ever teach to not to accept candy from strangers?" and am answered with a blank stare and an outstretched hand for me to place the gumball in.

I give him a gumball and refocus my attention to the little one. Val is walking on the piano keys. He has lifted himself onto the piano and is walking across the keys. I yell and run over to the piano, picking Val up and taking him to the door, telling him he's going to get in trouble. Visham quickly sheds his role of mature brother and goes into my freezer to steal my ice cream. He wants to take it back with him to his apartment. Trying to get the ice cream away from Visham and opening the door so that I can usher both kids out, I put Val down on the ground. Mistake. Val squeezes away from me and jumps back on the piano. I grab the ice cream away from Visham and go back to pick up Val from on top of the piano keys again.

Now I have Val in my left arm and I scoop up Visham and in my right. I slowly am able to open the door and carry both kids out. I knock on their door and politely inform their mother that "it's time for your kids to go home." The mother was in the apartment the whole time, aparently thankful for ten minutes away from her boys.

Val starts to cry about wanting a gumball, after seeing his brother eating his. So, I go back into my apartment and grab the machine, walking back into the hallway (there's no way I'm letting these kids back into my apartment). I open the gumball machine and Val immediately sticks his finger in to get the gum. The little door shuts on Val's finger, causing him to scream. I try to open the gumball door so that Val can take his finger out, but I accidentally lift the door latch up instead of pushing down. This tightens the seal on Val's finger, causing him to yelp, "You're hurting me!". I wait a second or two, applying even more pressure to his finger so that he can feel real pain, and then say I'm sorry and push the latch down.

I give Val his gumball, which he puts in his mouth and then spits on the ground. I waive goodbye to Val, Visham and his mother and double-lock my door.

I think I should have been more direct with their mom...telling her what insane and impolite kids she has. But, I have to assume she already knows all this.

And now I have two new best friends!

How I spent my summer vacation...

2005-06-02T17:02:00.000-07:00

...of four days...Bill Simmons style.

Day 1
00:00:00 of gambling: Walk into my casino of choice...the Wynn. Gotta gamble here.

00:00:10: Realize this casino is way too classy for me. Tables too expensive. Both Bing and I are looking for 15 dollar minimums, not 25. We leave. But what an awesome casino. Jazz clubs, really comfortable seats...and it makes every other casino on the strip look sooo tiny--even the Bellagio. The Wynn is flat out enormous. An absolute behemoth. Extremely impressive.

00:00:25: Start my first game...roulette at Treasure Island. I play my typical strategy...a very small range of numbers, all next to each other on the wheel...and that's it. I play three numbers only, based on numbers that have hit in the last twenty spins. The croupier must stay the same throughout my play. The logic is that some ranges of the wheel are slightly more likely to hit than others...given a consistent role. The theory may be bullshit...but I win 700 dollars in an hour, going up as high as 950. I must say, I've won quite a bit at roulette using this strategy...much more than I've lost. I understand it's mostly luck, but everytime I win, I feel like I know what I'm doing. I even get a small crowd cheering me as I place 15 dollars on three numbers only and hit twice in five spins. The dealer, Mario, a nice man from Croatia, says the same thing to me both times I win 525 dollars..."Christmas come early for you!"...I tip Mario 65 dollars after I fall to 700 profit and leave the table. I'm exhausted (it's 5 am my time, 2 am Vegas time) and go to bed.

Score: Up 700, one hour of gambling

Day 2 and 3
El Disastre. I knew it was coming. I lose 300 in poker the next day after going to a club...I'm extremely tired and play terribly, losing 200 on a hand where I go all in on a set of queens after the flop and lose to a flush (which the guy also flopped...three clubs on the board). I then lose 100 in blackjack that night and 300 more in blackjack the next night. I win 225 in poker before I leave on Day Three, staying up 225 for the trip (I also lost 100 in roulette--won 80 and lost 180 in my two tries) ...and I'm only up about 75 after factoring in dinners, buying drinks, other activities, etc.).

Day 4, 6:30 AM (sorry for foregoing the timestamp thing...not valuable anymore):
Early in the morning before catching my flight...Bing drops me off at the casinos to gamble a bit before getting my flight. I walk around a bit, lose 100 in blackjack and drop 300 in poker after getting somewhat unlucky and not playing my best. I'm now down 175 for the trip...I've managed to lose nearly 1000 dollars in 2+ days. Unreal. I stumble about from casino to casino, thinking about how I've done this. I remember the good times when I was up 700--the memories run in my mind in slow motion...like Adam Sandler's dreams in Happy Gilmore. I jump up and down with my grandmother, tossing gold coins. Actually, I was remembering jumping up and down with the actress who plays Sandler's grandmother in the movie. It was glorious. Good times.

Day 4, 9:00 AM:
Flight leaves at 10:00 AM. I've got one hour to make something happen. I have one more 100 dollar bill in my wallet. I know I need 80 dollars to pay for parking once I arrive in Philly. No matter...I find a roulette wheel that jumps out at me immediately at the New York New York casino. The numbers are much bigger than normal, as are the slots on the wheel for the ball to fall in (in simpler terms, the wheel, itself, is larger than normal roulette wheels). I think, "with spaces so big, the ball has so much room to land in the numbers I choose...how can I lose?!"

I watch the croupier for a bit and notice he's hitting in the 8/10/26 zone...he's hit in this region four of seven spins. I say to myself, if he hits one of those three numbers again, I'm in for my last 100. He hits 29. I curse myself for not having bet that hand (I was really close, but there were many people at the table and I couldn't get in) and go in.

On the next six spins, I hit a number four times. Unbelievable. I'm up 895 dollars in 20 minutes. I'm back up for the trip. This is insane. 20 minutes ago, I was thinking "this is why people say gambling is bad." Now I'm thinking, "when do I fly back to Vegas?"...

I'm making a ton of noise, especially on my fourth hit. I can;t believe it...I'm the only one winning at the table. I'm tipping Charlie like crazy, yelling "You're a good man, Charlie Brown!" over and over again...which is particuarly funny because Charlie is black and I don't know his last name. I realize this and stop saying it.

The pit boss walks over and sees that I have my luggage with me, as I'm about to go to the airport. He tells me I must check in my bags or leave the casino. I notice that the woman next to me also has her bag with her. I say, "Well, these people have their bags with them..." and am bestowed with the repeated response, "Sir, you need to check in your bags or leave the casino." I tell the pit boss I will leave after the next hand. The pit boss, out loud, announces to all, "This will be the gentleman's last hand." I lose, betting 25 dollars on 8, 10 and 26 each. I walk away from the table having won 720 dollars in a half hour.

FINAL SCORE:
First and last hours gambling: Up 1420 dollars
Everything in between: Down a tad less than 1000 dollars.

Verdict: Gambling is the finest sport on earth. All hail Gamblor.

Vegas baby

2005-05-26T12:31:00.000-07:00

Hello sports fans.

I leave for brutally hot Las Vegas on Saturday and must admit, while I've always looked forward to vacation, it's never been like this before. I remind myself every hour that Vegas is only four days away...only three days away...only two days, four hours and fourteen minutes away...

Work makes you do that. Vacation doesnt have a true meaning until you begin full time work. College is a type of vacation, so vacation from college isn't true vacation. If there was another word for 'vacation,' I would have used it in that last sentence. Perhaps 'holiday.' And while I loved holiday with my parents from age 5-18, coming back to see my friends and even going back to school were not dreaded experiences for me. Cheerio!

It's not like going back to work is that bad either, but it will certainly be dreaded. In fact, maybe the only way I won't dread it is if I lose thousands of dollars...'cause then I'll be kinda upset and need to go back to work to earn back the money I lost. Yeah, that's the ticket. I'll lose thousands of dollars! It's foolproof! I'm glad we had this talk.

Well, time for post work nap. This is the first nap I've taken all week. That's THREE early shift days in a row without taking a nap, for the record. But I'm closing my eyes as I type, so I think I'm reaaadddddy t...................

My new life

2005-05-16T15:04:00.000-07:00

So I've decided to start a new life. I'll wake up at the crack of dawn, walk around all day, leave work at 2 pm, run and play sports all afternoon, eat a healthy dinner, have an hour or so for life contemplation, and go to sleep before starting all over again. I'll lose weight and get into good shape, walking around all day at work and spending quality hours in the sun, get a nice tan, and find mornings rejuvinating instead of hellish.

Many people would really like that life. Personally, sounds like hell. But that's what I'm going to do. Not by choice, of course, but by the wrath of the gods. And maybe something good will come of it. Day 1 is over and it wasn't half bad. Of course, that's probably because it was Day 1. But having been out of work for 3.5 hours now and still having the sun out is kinda awesome.

Wake up little suzy

2005-05-11T17:44:00.000-07:00

So I found out that I have to wake up at 5 am two weeks of every month for the foreseeable future. For those that don't know, I'm as nocturnal as they come. I severely struggle making it to work at 9 am. That's WAY too early.

So, 5 am is laughable. The thought really makes me laugh. And then, cry, very loudly. Like, a pained, dying "Mommy...don't shoot me!" cry.

So, in order to allow my neighbors to sleep and to put an end to all the "when are you going to sit shiva?" questions to my roommate, I need to think of some positives that will come from this.

The obvious one is that, in the summer, I'll be done with work by 2 pm. It's funny to think that I'll have worked a full nine-hour day before I would have normally been awake in college. In fact, on a weekend, if there was one time I was guaranteed to be asleep, it would have to be 5 am-2pm.

Are there any others? I need your help, gumshoes.

Birt'days was the worst days...

2005-05-02T15:57:00.000-07:00

Now we sip champagne when we thirst-ay...

Esteemed English major Tekky Andrew-Jaja pointed out to me today that I had not entered my birthday correctly on 'thefacebook.com'...thus stopping people from realizing tomorrow was the big day.

I was very appreciative of this because it's always exciting to see what people have enough courage to wish me happy birthday despite not talking to me for a few months...I think it shows either a) a sense of caring despite not having kept in touch, b) a show of courage to make contact and break the ice or, the correct answer, c) a half-assed attempt to seem like you care while expending minimal effort, merely to get my hopes up that you're my friend, only to never talk to me again until next May 3rd.

And chances are, that's ok, because I probably don't like you anyway. But I think I'm fairly obvious to those I don't like. So, if I haven't told you to your face 'I DON'T LIKE YOU, YOU FUCKING MORON,' I'd appreciate the facebook message 'happy birthday.'

Unless I know you well enough where that would be really weird. Which, I assume, accounts for the only seven people that read this. So this post has been a waste of time. Like my life. And, most likely, if you're friends with me, yours too.

i wurt my ankey

2005-04-30T11:57:00.000-07:00

Having just told this story to Theresa House, self-proclaimed Reader of the Month and all around fan favorite, I will now share the events of last night with you, my internet family.

After having a really good dinner and five glasses of wine, I went to a bar in Brooklyn to have another drink. I succeeded. So far, it was all coming up Sherman.

When my compadres and I made the trip back to Manhattan, Ethan, Chris, Georgia, Jeremy and Nina wanted to get some french fries. Needing to relieve myself after a fairly heavy dosage of the jamba juice, I searched for the nearest urinal. The french fry place does not have one, so I change tenses and run across the street to Kiev to use theirs.

Jogging quickly across the street, I stumble, triping over a sudden drop in the road. I manage to stay on my feet and think nothing of it...I ignore the "only for customers" sign and use Kiev's restroom.

I join my friends back at the french fry place. They take their food back to jeremy and chris' apartment. Around 2 am, the party breaks up. I have to get my pillow and clothes from my car and will return to the apartment once I have my stuff.

Unfortunately, I forget where my car is, and this takes much longer than expected. I arrive back at their apartment about 40 minutes after I left. I call Chris, but it goes straight to his voice mail. I call Jeremy, but he's long passed out. I ring the buzzer...no answer. Everyone's asleep.

So, I call Nina to beg her to ask if I can crash on her couch, thinking this would probably be a better alternative to waiting outside the apartment or sleeping in my car. I'm still too drunk to drive.

Upon arriving at Nina's place, I immediately crash on her couch and fall asleep for about 30 min.

When I awake, I realize I am in extreme pain. My ankle kills. I try to walk, but need to lean on furniture to move anywhere. After trying to lie back down and writhing in pain, I decide to take a shower, hoping the warm water will help. I get out of the shower at 4:45 am and my ankle feels a bit better. But after lying down for another 30 minutes, my ankle feels even worse. I now can put absolutely no weight on it.

I decide my goal should be to get home, as soon as possible.

It takes me 10 minutes to descend Nina's one flight of stairs (she lives on the second floor). She lives with like 83 people, and none are awake to my knowledge at 5:30 am on a Saturday.

I manage to get outside with some of my stuff...I'm in too much pain to actually look back to see if I have everything. I get outside and hail a cab without moving...fortunately, this is NY, and there are cabs at all times on every block. I get the cab driver to drive directly to my car...and thus begin the most painful hour and a half drive of my life.

I can't put any pressure at all on my right foot and have to use my left foot to brake. Even pushing on the gas is painful. I frequently scream out in pain as I drive from the city through the Holland and to the Turnpike. My cruise control no longer works, so I've got to apply at least a little pressure once on the highway...I can't even move my toes without a jolt of pain.

I finally make it back home at 7 am and immediately take off my shoes and go to sleep. I get about 3 hours of sleep and check my foot...much better! I can now move my toes.

Over the course of the past few hours, it's improved steadily and I can now put some weight on it and walk around without having to hop or lean on walls.

That is all.

Draft Guru

2005-04-23T21:29:00.000-07:00

Am I the only person who thinks Mel Kiper's job is incredible? He's a millionaire...his fulltime job is to prepare for one day of the year by crunching numbers and watching a ton of film on a bunch of players so that he's qualified to criticize...I mean, what's better than being a rich guy who is paid to be a jackass? What a great job.

I watched seven hours of the NFL draft today.

Thank you and good night.

Bring in da funk

2005-04-18T15:47:00.000-07:00

Went to a funk concert in NY this weekend...sat IN the band. There were a few seats on the stage at the club (Arthur's Tavern)...I sat, literally, right next to the drummer. At one point during a particularly ridiculous, up-tempo groove, I was tapping my foot fairly enthustiastically...and I kicked over the drummer's hi-hat.

The cymbal fell on the drummer, who maintained keeping time with one hand while catching the falling cymbal in his other. I tried to help him, since I was right next to him, but neither of us could set it back down properly. The drummer (named Scooter...we had a nice little chat after the song) held the hi-hat in one hand for the remainder of a Sly and the Family Stones tune while managing to get through the rest of the song Def Leopard style.

I like the word 'tune.' Sounds like I know what I'm talking about.

Had a rough day today because I missed the Boston Marathon. I really miss going every year. It was a great day--I always felt like the rest of the country was envious of Bostonians on that day. I still do, I guess, but I can no longer participate.

One day, I'd love to run the marathon. People do, I realize...I don't know how people do, but men and women of all ages get through it...it's a big lifetime goal of mine. But it involves training. And training involves getting up from my currently reclyning position. And I aintz doin' that.

This is a terrible and boring post, but to make it interesting, I'd have to think a little bit. And I aintz doin' that neither.

Family Guy starts again in May!

Brian Collins, Boom Goes The Dynamite

2005-04-15T21:16:00.000-07:00

Go to this blog. http://worldmagblog.com/caffeine/.

Click on the 'Boom goes the dynamite' link.

Watch the three minute sportscast. Thank Adam Wienner for bringing this to my attention. I've now watched it five times tonight and, every time, absolutely lose it at 'Boom goes the dynamite.' It is my dream to do a sportscast with this living legend. This is an instant classic. I may transcript the broadcast for my own enjoyment, just to quote his unintelligible lines accurately.

And...boom goes the dynamite.

Ann Aaaahbahh

2005-04-10T21:48:00.000-07:00

This shit's wicked retaaded.

[Add transition here].

I used to do that a lot when writing essays--the [add transition here] thing when I knew I should segue but didn't know how. One time, I sent the wrong version of a final paper to a college professor--a version that contained numerous brackets, including one that said [ADD MORE SHIT HERE]. My professor graded the paper as my final effort. In his explanation of my grade (a B-), he did admit that 'you seem to have many thoughts that do not end...[In] some areas, it appears you have not finished paragraphs.' True story, Hansel.

I just flew back from Michigan...and boy are my legs tired, since I had to sit on that plane for three hours.

It was a lot of fun. My friends Adam and Theresa showed me a good time for a few days, which was a very needed vacation from my everyday life. I like Ann Arbor a lot in the Spring. If I visited Michigan in April, I'd want to go there. If I visited in any other month during their school year, I'd want to kill myself...slightly wound myself...not go to Michigan. But it's a cool college town when it's nice out...people eating outside, an enormous group of college kids going to local 'hang-outs'...seems like I would have enjoyed myself if I went there--for one month, at least.

Man, it's hard writing this with the option of watching baseball on TV. My roommate Steve and I have purchased the baseball package for the MLB season, so we get nearly every game. The A's are on now and are losing 10-2. And yet, I still feel compelled to watch. I've never been able to see the A's play all that much, so I'm really looking forward to seeing them nearly every night this year. I'll be like one of those sports fans who roots for his home team! My dream...

Damn you Eric Byrnes. Fly out to end the 7th.

I've gotta get back in shape for the summer. I'm thinking about trying a diet for the first time in my life. I'm 100% sure I don't have the willpower. I was actually going to try and start today. I was in the shower, thinking, "OK...Today is the day I change my life forever. I'm gonna get in good shape and find a really hot girlfriend this summer and marry her and have two kids and cool big dog." So, no carbs today, and I'll get that.

I had four cookies, a piece of cake, four pieces of bread, some white rice for dinner, and then I poured a four-pound bag of starch down my throat.

So, I'm thinking tomorrow will be the day I start. And then...perfect life.

I'm gunning for three cookies tomorrow. I have so little will power, it's amazing. I honestly think that if I was hungry enough and had to choose between a life of happiness or an oven-hot chocolate chip cookie, I'd choose the cookie, with the hope of quickly taking the happiness too before the guy who offered me the deal had a chance to take it back.

[Now eating fifth cookie of day]. This cookie is great.

[Done with cookie]. I have zee buyer's remorse.

Bobby Kielty's up!

Windy City

2005-04-07T22:16:00.000-07:00

So I'm in Chicago for the next day before heading off to Michigan for a deuce, deuce and a half, before I have to be back in NJ on Monday.

I arrive at my hotel last night and am greeted by Cesar. There are three of us staying at the Oak Brook Renassaince Inn, about 25 minutes outside of downtown Chicago.

Cesar looks up our reservations and tells us to hold on for a second. We all look at each other because we know this can't be a good thing (I'm reminded of some comedian's line, 'my doctor told me he found something in my gallbladder. That's never a good sign--no one's ever been told, "I've found something in your gallbladder...and it's season tickets to the Yankees!!!).

Cesar does his best Orlando Jones imitation from Office Space as he tells us the bad news. In a total monotone..."I am sorry but your rooms are not available. We have transferred you to the Doubletree hotel and will pay for a one day stay and a long distance phone call." Needless to say, we weren't too pleased, seeing that we'd made reservations ('you know how to TAKE the reservation...you just don't know how to KEEP the reservation).

So, we go over to the Doubletree and we're given a room...and a warm chocolate chip cookie!! This place is awesome!

Then I see the room.

It hasn't been cleaned at all. Dirty towels on my bed and on the floor. Numerous glasses of cranberry juice and coffee in the bathroom and next to my bed. An empty bottle of scope lying in the sink.

But it's nearly 1 AM and the bed was made. So, I threw off the dirty towel and just went to sleep.

Good plan...until 1:45 AM. It was then that I realized I had fallen asleep in an inferno. The room temperature was hitting 82 on the thermostat...which, of course, was broken. I tossed and turned the rest of the night, sweating, until 6 am, when I had to get up for a day of meetings.

Many, many, meetings. But my job's great, really.

Now the Forrest Gump song is playing on the player piano in the background as I type on the keyboard in the hotel's top floor business center. But I've changed rooms and (I hope) will get at least three hours of sleep tonight.

Sorry for not updating the blog for a spell. I've been in the can. I hope I didn't miss nuthin'.

Evolutionary failure

2005-04-03T20:46:00.000-07:00

Yankees fans booed tonight when David Wells was pulled. They booed because they don't like David Wells. Red Sox fans also booed. They booed because Wells sucked tonight. Both teams' fans booing does not make sense.

The human race needs to develop another guttural sound to differentiate hatred from disappointment.

I recommend sticking with the 'boo' in cases of disappointment. The Sox fans, in this case, were right to boo Wells. He sucked. Boo! You suck!

Yankees fans should not boo. Wells didn't disappoint them. But they also shouldn't cheer...because cheering could be mistaken for 'I like you!' And even though the Yankees may have liked Wells in that moment, they do not 'like' him.

So, there needs to be a third alternative here. That alternative should be screaming a nasty word in German...SHIETZENHEIMER! Or, something to that effect--something that makes you think Hitler. That way, Sox fans could boo and Yanks fans could yell SHIETZENHEIMER and we'd be able to tell who's who.

Ramble On

2005-04-02T09:54:00.000-08:00

Wow, did you read that post 'Ramble On'? It reminds me of that Zeppelin song...

That's kind of like the comment I heard while waiting in line at the supermarket this morning.

'Did you read Angels and Demons? It's just like what's going on now with Pope..."

A shocking coincidence, yes. Does it kind of weird anyone else out that millions of people must be thinking of Dan Brown today? There have to be a half million or so thinking, 'Don't let the camerlengo ruin conclave!' I say we just let Dan Brown be Pope. That way he can solve all the world's mysteries. 'Oh! The password was APPLE!'

Would anyone mind explaining to me why his books are so wildly poopular? Ha! I just wrote poop! Did anyone see that? I was trying to write popular, and wrote poopular! Did anyone see that? Ah irony, ah humanity. Poop!

Seriously, though, take my wife, please!

I was singing Sinatra's "I did it my way" to myself today and absent-mindedly sang "I did it Ebay." While I'm no sentimentalist, I do think it's a bit disconcerting when knock-offs potentially become the standard and originals go to the wayside. Do you think Stevie Wonder is ever pissed when terrible samplings of his old songs become wild successes and no one knows that he wrote the original versions? I think I'd be a little annoyed, especially when the popular versions are terrible. One time at a summer basketball camp, I received a great pass from Brendon Sullivan but missed an open lay-up. I remember he said, "Al, you're killing me!" I gotta think that's what Stevie's thinking about Will Smith and Coolio.

Could there possibly be a federal initiative to eliminate IM away messages that are just laundry lists of what the person is doing during the day? 'Class, lunch with Emma, class, library, dinner with the girls, movie with roomies, back at 10!' Look, in theory if we have your IM name, we're friendly acquaintances, fine. But trust me...nobody gives a fuck. Even your parents don't give a fuck. Just do whatever you have to do. Don't tell me about it. "I'm opening the peanuts now..."

Welcome to the Daily Show, I'm John Stewart.

2005-04-01T15:47:00.000-08:00

So, how do you get a comedy writing job? What is the typical path one takes if he wants to write jokes for a living? I guess the Harvard Lampoon has quite a network set up...but assuming you're not in that (and I wasn't...those Lampoon kids are weird, dude. And by weird, I mean, constantly on coke), how do you break in?

You could be a stand-up comic, I guess--and maybe someone sees you in "the biz" and hires you for a job. But doing stand up seems like kind of a miserable existence until you hit it big. Then again, what isn't a miserable until you hit it big? Actually, my current job isn't--I enjoy the work and get paid well. But most jobs are pretty awful--for a long while, it seems.

What is it about our culture that forces people to "pay their dues"? I don't want to pay my dues. I didn't pay my dues in college and still got to go to the House Formal. Why should I have to now?

Perhaps it's because striving for further happiness is what life is all about. Perhaps it's what gives young people motivation to innovate and create. Perhaps it's becaue a lack of life experience makes younger people flat out bad at most jobs (or, at least, not as good as those who have a little age in their bellies).

Perhaps that's all a crock of shit. I don't know. What I do know is that this post better take a turn for the humorous, and fast, because I'm starting to get bored. Take it off!

Well, I've got a fantasy baseball draft to do, so I can't stay long (that's also the line I use whenever I get into an awkward situation with someone. 'Oh! I'm sorry! I forgot, but I have to go to my fantasy baseball draft.' It's a bit awkward when I say it in August, but it's usually fool proof).

I guess this didn't take a turn for the funny after all. Worst. Post. Ever.

Now that Jeremy has referred his cronies to this blog, I'm starting to feel an obligation to up my prose, to write about something meaningful, something serious, something...something...something in the way she mooooves...

Man, you'd think I was a Lampoon member based on this.

But let's talk about you, darling. What do you think of my dress?

2005-03-31T19:32:00.000-08:00

So I was talking with Cappie Pondexter and Mitch Hedberg when Nancy Grace rudely interrupted me with a rant about Michael Schiavo and Scott Peterson. Fortunately, my roommate Mario Vasquez from American Idol came home, and we all smoked a bowl together.

OK, I'm exaggerating a little bit. That didn't really happen. It was a joint instead (ba dum ching!). No, actually, my good friend and fellow blogger Ben Hart (http://axelfoleyscorner.blogspot.com/) told me that someone found his blog the other day searching for Neil Cavuto, whom he referenced (not to be confused with Refference, http://refference.blogspot.com/). So, I've constructed a new blogging strategy: throw in as many "in the news celebrities" as I can and build my readership to lengendary proportions.

It's been a couple days since my last (and first) post--have I already become disillusioned with blogging? A little bit, yes. I'm struggling with the arrogance question--why am I writing this? For myself? To please others? Is reading what I have to say even remotely amusing for others? I certainly feel a blog post should say something, and I wonder if I have something original to say. I even question this rant on being arrogant...are people reading this nodding their internal heads, thinking, "yeah! I've also wondered that..." or are people thinking, "shut the fuck up, you dumb dirty blond bitch. God! Ass-clown!"

Of course, the answer is that people are thinking neither, because I am, in fact, writing this only for myself, as no one is reading. (That's a little Conan humor for you. 'No one watches my show! Haha!' Even though 15 million people actually watch. Similarly, 15 million people are reading this blog. John from Tulsa, what's up, you're on the air. All right my man, good call. Here's two free tickets to the Boston Blazers game).

Sorry, just a little stream of consciousness for you. Mostly for you, Ben, as you're probably the only one who got those allusions.

But getting back to my point...(long pause; Alex tries to figure out a point). Oh! (he exclaims). Yes, my point. Isn't it arrogant...to use the third person in a blog? It most certainly is.

In other news, seems like a lot of famous people have been dying recently...what's the deal with that? I assume the answer has something to do with Jesus. Or, perhaps, Roger Federer.

Hello to all readers who found this searching for Jesus! I can do all through Christ who strengthens me.

I meant searching for Jesus, like, entering the keyword 'Jesus'--you know, to relate to what I was talking about earlier. I wasn't talking about searching for Jesus in the spiritual way. To those who found my blog searching for Jesus spiritually, I pardon you.

Is likening yourself to Jesus arrogant?

Hello World!

2005-03-28T20:45:00.000-08:00

So, based on the wild success of numerous of my friends' blogs (wild success = I read them every day, including revisiting blogs that haven't been updated in months, hoping that a new post will miraculously appear), I've decided to try my hand at this writing thing. I make only one promise: I will have many parenthetical statements. So, if you don't like a good parenthesis on a warm summer's day, I bid you good day.

Allow myself to introduce....yeah. I graduated from Harvard College at Harvard University in June of 2004th year of our Lord (well, not "our" Lord, but there's about a 98% chance he's your Lord, America...or, a 0.03% chance if you're reading this blog). I did a little sports/humor writing for the esteemed student newspaper known as The Harvard Crimson while attending college and, frankly, miss writing on a regular basis. I've got a good job working for an industrial supplies company (I'm serious...it's actually a good job, especially if you're an Office Space fan) and live in Princeton, NJ.

While I haven't picked a theme for this blog as of yet (I'm debating 'mind-blowing shit'), I do have a topic for this first post: Paul Shirley, a god among men. While it may be odd to reference another blog in a first post, I fully admit that this man is absolutely more interesting than I will ever be. The 12th man on the Phoenix Suns, Shirley has a style much like that of my idol, Bill Simmons (although Simmons was a bit more holy before I heard the sound of his voice...take some steroids, man), but Shirley takes his writing a step further--adding personal touches to his caustic commentary on life in the NBA. Simmons has recently referenced him in a couple of his latest blog posts, which I hope convinces Shirley to begin his own blog. In the meantime, please read: http://www.nba.com/suns/news/shirley_blog.html.

Reading this today at work (only on my break, of course) inspired me to write. Shirley's hilarious honesty and self-deprication is so anti-NBA, I'm shocked David Stern has allowed him access to an nba.com website. I'm also shocked that his teammates haven't ripped him apart for writing this. Of course, I'm reminded of a Chris Rock joke about Kryptonite that maybe explains why his teammates don't care...I'm just kidding! jk! lol! roftl!

(Aside: Pet Peeve No. 1: IM language. Pet Peeve No. 2: People being offended at my inappropriately racist jokes).

OK, that's enough for now. Read Shirley. He's like Nietzche, only taller.